Perimenopause and Midlife
In archetypal language, there are three phases of a woman’s life: Maiden, Mother and Crone (read more in previous blog here ). As with any growth process, there is often a brutal transition phase of uncertainty and insecurity as you’re making your way to the next phase of life. And in a woman’s life, the decade-long period of perimenopause coincides with the transition from Mother to Crone.
We’re still mothering in the sense of being in the creation phase of our lives. We’re more likely to be sandwiched in between caring for kids and parents. But it has a certain edge to it, a bit of listlessness. You never quite know when perimenopause begins or when it’s going to end.
Maybe you’re feeling as if you’ve finally arrived in your career and simultaneously feeling unmoored by a looming, nagging uncertainty. You may feel more confident than ever in your being, but less satisfied with your body or starting to notice the effects of sun damage and muscle loss. You have enough decades behind you to have room to breathe from the panic of your 20s, and enough decades ahead of you to have a sense of expansion. Expansion with the looming threat of perceived contraction? The Latin word for expansion is expansionem, meaning to spread out, unfold, expand. I initially misread the word as expansiomen and thought wow if that ain’t the truth. As our world is growing bigger and bigger, with more opportunities and more fullness of life, there is also an omen of the future. What if my life grows so big it explodes? What if my waistline grows so big it maxes out? What if I create abundance in my life and it’s all taken away? What if I climb to the top of the pyramid and it crumbles beneath me? What if I live for myself and lose everyone else?
In IFS language, I am constantly noticing the parts of me that are activated during this season of my life. The part that feels pressure to make every moment count, both at work and with my kids. The part that wants to get love right before the game of musical chairs runs out. The part that insists I’m finally going to figure out how to balance work, kids, meals, rest, exercise and fun. The part that wants me to figure out a healthy relationship with caffeine and alcohol. After spending the sluggish winter months certain I had mono and the buoyant spring months riddled with anxiety, I am now challenged to discover and develop my new formula for wellbeing, exploring changes in my diet, exercise, medications and rest.
This middle stage of life is really about a relationship with my body and how that impacts my relationships with myself and others. Perimenopause carries with it the challenges of anxiety, fatigue, and weight gain. I’m more fascinated with hormones now than ever before. I was mid-conversation with a good friend on this topic when they gasped, “I guess we’re just our hormones!” It’s hard to wrap my head around, but so much of my identity is based on my hormone levels. Every shift I notice, I kind of obsessively wonder, “is THIS my hormones?”
In my bones, I feel happier than I ever have before. Honestly. I’ve figured out the importance of doing the things I enjoy and inviting others to join me, but knowing they don’t have to in order for me to do it. It’s about not waiting for permission or buy-in from others and just doing what my instinct is urging me to do. Outside my bones, in the flesh of fat and muscles, I feel a bit disappointed. A nagging sense that I’m losing fitness and turning into flabbiness. There’s a part of me that’s always reminding me I need to be focusing on strength training, flexibility and cardio, that my belly is getting softer as I write this…
I feel called to nurture my spiritual and physical world, reminding myself that my body needs to stay strong and healthy, but saddened that it will take more effort to keep it so. My spiritual life feels rich and deep and rewarding and comes with ease that I haven’t experienced before. It feels like a baton has been passed, trading in the ease of physical fitness to the ease of spiritual alignment and clarity.
Currently, I have had several calm weeks, and I imagine being on a raft in the lazy river floating towards something new and different. When I get to the end, is it a waterfall or abyss or even calmer waters?
